Today I may or may not have the flu.How would you not know, right?
Well, if you have Fibromyalgia, every day feels like a variation of the Flu. So if I ever do get sick, like an acute Sickness, well I never know if it is yet another symptom, or a just a bad Fibro day.
So it got me thinking...With the flu so rampantly going around, maybe now is a good time to try and explain my everyday, my Fibro.
I know so many who love me, or who know me and have me on your prayer chain, well you aren’t really sure what exactly it is.
You ask if I’m better, or say I really look so good. (Actually, I’ve learned to take that as the compliment it is. In the past that used to hurt. Like if I look good, you must think I’m not sick, or less sick, or better. But the truth is, you care, and you don’t fully understand at the same time. And that is ok.
So back to the Flu example.
When you get the flu, your body feels like lead right? Your head pounds, and you feel like you are bruised all over and something is pushing on those bruises. Your body goes from cold sweats, to hot sweats, to shakes, so many temperature changes you can't keep up. Like you are so thirsty, but that glass of water across the room is almost impossible to achieve because again, that darn lead that's poured into your body head to toe. The thought of taking a shower, well it's too exhausting to even contemplate. It's time to get dressed and made up for the day. Who are you kidding? And you never realized that after laying in bed for days, you’d still be so exhausted that it's as if you haven’t slept in a week. Exhaustion that is so strong it actually feels like pain. You feel so badly that concentrating to read, or even watch TV is really just too much to ask. But the saving grace? After a few days, maybe even 10 if you have it bad, you start to come back to life. You start to feel better. And then life goes on. And you get back to life, and those days, those days justs become an unwelcome memory.
Well that's very much how Fibromyalgia is, except that it never goes away.
Somedays are like day one of the flu, when you feel it coming on, and so you allow yourself to go lay down and rest. Somedays are like the full fledged Flu, except I don’t always get to spend them in bed resting, even if every inch of me screams for that, because for me, it's just another day of my life, and stuff has to get done. I can’t put life on hold, knowing i’ll just get to it later, because regular ol later will never come for me. Some days are like the day after the flu, that day you try and get back to real life, and you do. You drag a bit, but basically you are back. Those are my best days. Those are the days I live for, to hurt, to be tired, but only enough that I can push it into the background and just live.
My reality is that the only way I will know if this is actually the flu is if my temperature goes very high. Because a slightly elevated temperature can just be my norm.
I write this not to whine, but because I realized that so many really do want to understand.And it's hard to explain, harder to really understand. This seemed like a way I could actually describe it in a way that you may actually get it.
One more layer, try and bear with me here…
Because I can never escape it there is an emotional layer, and truthfully I think it may be the hardest for me to deal with. The depression and anxiety that come with never knowing what to expect. Will it be a good day, a “norm” day, or a really bad day? And just because it starts as a good day, doesn’t mean it won't’ change on a dime. So I feel like I can never really schedule anything. I am always canceling on people. I work beyond hard on making sure that I don't’ XL on my kids. It's not always possible. When I do make it, that is often it, I just make it. I’m just physically there. I am not able to fully enjoy it, and I don’t feel like me. I miss the me who was uber involved, the one planning, and juggling a million things while still full of life and energy. Chronic Pain robbed me of “me”. I keep thinking I’ve accepted it all, and then I miss something else, and I spiral emotionally again.
I haven’t gone through all the symptoms, but I think I’ve painted a picture. I hope you get it a bit.
This is not, I repeat not, a feel bad for Erika thing. Not at all.
I am so much more blessed than not. I have a beautiful loving family, all of whom who are healthy and happy. Most importantly, I have my God, a God who is Good ALWAYS in ALL WAYS. A God who knows I am strong enough for this, and will use even this to grow my roots stronger in Him. I have learned what Gratitude truly is, I have learned to find the thanksgiving in everything, even, no especially in the Hard, in the things that at first just look Negative. I have learned that there is JOY in all, because JOY comes from him. If I trust in God, if my faith is rooted in Him, nothing can steal this JOY. Circumstance will come and go, people will disappoint, and bad things will happen. But if I live looking for ways to be thankful in all, If I live EUCHARISTEO, I can endure anything. I realize I am SO BLESSED! Just So Blessed. I am learning that in the UGLY there is always BEAUTIFUL GRACE #uglybeautifulgrace
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